Lucas

There are some loses in life that no matter how well you think you've prepared yourself for, they just knock you on your ass. My greatest loss is Lucas.

I'm 37 and Lucas was my sweet baby boy. We did everything together and I miss him so much. The 15 and a half years we had with him, simply just weren't enough. Spending time with Lucas always made me feel happy and loved, whether it was just sitting around or going for walks together.

Lucas passed away on September 29, 2010. I didn't know it was the last time I was going to see him. He's had good and bad days for quite awhile and when we took him to the vets office, I never imagined he wouldn't be coming home. He hadn't been drinking very much or eating and I really thought he was simply dehydrated. His breathing was difficult and he was very lethargic. We lifted him up and gingerly placed him on our make-shift stretcher. It was very bright out so I covered his eyes and off to the van we went.

On the way to the vets office I sat in the back stroking his face and kissed him. Telling him what a good boy he is and how much we loved him. His daddy was driving. Lucas was breathing calmly. I then joked with Lucas and his daddy (Bryan) saying that he just needs some electrolytes...it's what a body needs. This goofy line was from the movie Idiocracy and Bryan and I laughed and I pet Lucas some more.

Shortly after that we arrived at the vets office and they wheeled him to the back. 5 minutes went by and the nurse came in asking if we wanted them to keep trying for Lucas to be revived...

I had no idea what she meant. Revived? He was just having another bad spell...

Then she continued on...as soon as they brought him to the back, he was 100% comatose. Then his heart stopped. They had been in the back trying to revive him through CPR for the past 5 minutes with no positive signs.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He was supposed to come home. I was sure of it...I had no idea. I was numb and my heart sunk.

Lucas was gone.

We asked to see him. I really needed to see him, to believe it.

They rolled Lucas in and I cried so hard I could scream. I stretched out my hands to encompass his big brown bear of a body and buried my face in his fur. Then I breathed in hard his little popcorn smelling toes. Lucas' feet always smelled like day old popcorn.

I still can't get passed the fact that I will never see his handsome, sweet little face again.

Lucas was cremated and is now back home with us. I purchased a big brown leather backpack from Novica to use as his final resting place. The name of the bag was "Adventure Spirit" which I think suits him perfectly.

Now that we had Lucas back, we all headed out for a cross country trip together.

It's almost 2 months since Lucas' passing and not a single day goes by that I don't cry. I'm not sure when that will change. I just miss him so much. Bryan and I talk about Lucas all the time. We think Lucas went into the coma during the trip to the vet. Where his last memories would be of his mommy and daddy laughing about electrolytes and being petted, kissed and feeling completely loved.

Tags: loss of a family member, grieving

Where the Mind Goes – When Life is Out of Yo...

I run on my elliptical and I even pull off a little of my own UFC moves and grapple with my husband from time to time.   I'm 36 years old and in pretty good health, or at least I thought I was.  I recently had quite a scare that ended with me stuck in a hospital bed for 3 nights and 4 long days.

After dealing with some pain in my sides for quite awhile, I went to the Dr. for what I was sure was a kidney infection or something of that nature.  Nothing a strong dose of antibiotics wouldn't cure.  After hours of being poked, prodded & scanned the revelation of a blood clot appeared.

I was quickly ushered to the hospital for immediate treatment.  Strict bed rest and no moving except to go to the bathroom.  By the second night I was feeling a bit stir crazy. I didn't feel that bad - just a sharp & annoying pain from time to time.  I asked the nurse if I could at least walk around the hospital.

The nurse replies:

Let me check your chart...Absolutely Not...you're on strict bed rest.  Doctors orders.  You've got a blood clot girl.  If that thing moves BAM - YOU'RE DEAD! I've seen it happen!

All I can think is...HOLY CRAP...BAM at 36?  I guess I'll just keep my butt in bed.

I told my husband what the nurse said and it was easy to tell he was concerned.  I know I was.

The thing you have to realize here is that my husband isn't a guy that is quick to show emotion and chat about how he feels.  Shove it down...Don't talk about it..and the problem will eventually go away...very manly, very logical.  :)

The problem with that logic is that it leaves a lot of unresolved worries and issues that always come out in one form or another.

A lot of our daily problems and concerns work themselves out while we are sleeping through dreams.  Apparently, this is my husbands preferred method.  On day 3 of my most expensive hotel room stay ever (the hospital) he came in and told me of the nightmare he had that night.

He was holding Luna our 6 pound 1 year old cat in his left hand, desperately trying to control her.  Her ears were shoved back deep in her head and she was trying to rip him apart.  Her front paws clawing with ever increasing vigor towards his face.  She was enraged, howling at him and struggling with all her might to tear his face apart.

He was beginning to become frightened, his right arm was no good.  Trapped somehow and unable to offer him any assistance.  He was unsure how long he could hold her back - she was stronger than he ever thought possible.  Luna dug her back legs into the crook of his elbow and somehow masterfully maneuvered her legs, pushing his elbow inward.  She was inching his arm closer and closer to her goal of shredding his face with her giant razor sharp claws.  It was only a matter of time before his face would be ripped into hundreds of tiny thin frayed strips of skin.  Closer and closer, her claws ripped violently through the air.

What was once a distance of feet, now had come down inches.  He could feel the wind created from the vicious clawing blows of the air, ever so close to his face.  His arm was wavering, he had no way of stopping the inevitable.  It was going to happen any second now...

With a jolt of fear he woke up and thought...Wow, that was crazy and chucked it up to dreams are just stupid nonsense.

But I have my own opinions on his dream.  I believe that my being in the hospital with the scary blood clot, left him feeling helpless and unable to control the outcome of the situation.  I think this was his minds way of processing the information and his fears in the form of the scary and wild uncontrollable Luna.

I think the worst case scenario (BAM!) is just something that even his subconscious mind wouldn't let him visualize.  Instead of a reality based dream, his mind created an absurd situation to help him express his anxiety of helplessness and loss of control.

But hey, what the heck do I know.  I've just got a stupid blood clot, not a P.H.D.

Share your insightful opinions, I'd definitely love to hear them.

Tags: human mind, Dream Interpretation, out of control